When There Are No Rainbows

When one of my
favorite organizations, TWLOHA,
named this week as
National Suicide Prevention Week,
it hit me stronger than I expected---
perhaps because, by this stage in my life,
I've known many people who have either attempted or committed suicide,
or perhaps because I think about deeper and less shallow subjects
than I focused on ten years ago,
or maybe simply because I personally know how desperate hopelessness can feel.

And a haunting memory has crept in and out of my thoughts during this past week.

Gold And Diamonds: Sick Of The 'Stuff' of Christmas

"You're gonna love the gift he's picked out for you," a couple of female acquaintances whispered to me. My boyfriend had confided in them the surprise he had planned for me that Christmas many years ago.

A part of me felt anxious at the awareness an unexpected gift was coming, because the relationship just hadn't been working. Another part of me felt desperate anticipation. Maybe the gift was a sign of hope, a signal that things were about to turn around?

On Christmas Eve, I unwrapped the small package---a beautiful dainty bracelet of gold and diamonds. With the smallest size being too large for my wrist, links had been taken out and made into earrings. So not only did I have my very first gold diamond bracelet, but gold and diamond earrings to match. It was lovely, and I appreciated it.
 

Not A Whole Person, Just A Puzzle

I have a pair of jeans
with this writing
inscribed on the inside:
"Carrying myself 
with an air of confidence, 
I am a woman 
who knows who she is."

I like to read those words
and remind myself of who I am---
particularly when I forget,
particularly when people around me
don't seem to know who I am.

I'm close to a month away
from my 35th birthday.

Did you know that
approximately age 35
is when perimenopause can begin?
Did you know that
if a woman gets pregnant at age 35,
it is diagnosed as "advanced maternal age"
and comes with its own set of additional precautions and careful testing?
Are you aware of the exact percentage of women
who have never been married by age 35?

An Average Woman's Question

When you look at her,
what will you see?
An average woman
too plain to be
a photogenic
beauty queen,
just someone
in-between?

A woman with average hair and eyes,
of almost average body size,
who seldom, but who sometimes, cries,
a woman who always tries?

"What's One Dumb Thing That You Used To Believe In?"

Original Question Posted by Danielle LaPorte: 

"The Burning Question Series" 

http://www.daniellelaporte.com/the-burning-question-series/

When a year-and-a-half's worth of young love---the kind that romantic songs idolize---ended abruptly instead of at the altar, I felt completely lost. Until then, my life had appeared to have a hope-filled destination, with a young man full of promises by my side. The ending struck just as close friends were preparing for their weddings, opening gifts wrapped elegantly in white paper, and sampling racks of bridal gowns with gossamer veils. For a long while, when I looked around at my nearest friendships, I was the only girl "alone"...

And I felt it as deeply as I had ever felt anything.

This Sounds Like A Man Who Loves Me

I'm getting the impression that He loves me.

And not just a fair amount of love either. Not the perfunctory type of love because He is "supposed to." 

I genuinely think He might love me immensely. And so many things about me.

I think He loves my honesty when I tell him I'm trying to trust but feel a stronger tendency to worry instead.

I think He loves my openness when I admit that I feel stuck in a dilemma with no clear direction on which way to go.

Desperate To Prove

I was sitting in a chair on my aunt's porch, where I help pass out Halloween candy every year. A maroon-colored scarf was wrapped around my head, the perfect accessory to my gypsy costume. As eager trick-or-treaters swamped her sidewalk, the father of a little boy raised his hand to wave at me. Recognizing him as one of my high school classmates, I immediately felt self-conscious about...

being thirty-three years old,
decked out in a Halloween ensemble,
enjoying the night as much as the kids were. 

He said hello, and I distractedly reached a hand to the scarf on my head and explained, "I dressed up too..."
 
Have you ever been there? Conscious of other people's opinions? Feeling the need to explain and prove yourself, your life, your choices?

I have....for more significant things than Halloween costumes.

Oh!! You Had A Birthday?

It's one of those things that happens from time to time, living in the same town as an ex and having mutual friends....I recently bumped into an old boyfriend. The first words from his mouth were, “Thanks for yesterday.”

I puzzled my brow. “Huh?” I asked. “What was yesterday?”

“It was my birthday. Thanks for remembering.”

“Oh!!! Yeah, it was your birthday, wasn’t it? Happy birthday! Was it a good one?”