My Piece Of Hope

I have experienced a really difficult few months. Actually, for the past few years, I have had a lot of sickness, and this recent spell started in August and hasn't ended yet. Long story short, some severe allergies have caused excruciating reactions. When I haven't pushed myself to try to work, I have been lying in bed.

On top of the physical struggle, I haven't known what to do with my emotions. I typically have a pretty healthy system in place for working out my frustrations and discouragement---going to the gym, riding my bike through the nearby neighborhoods, hiking, working on lots of music and writing...I physically have been unable to do much of that lately. Under doctor's orders not to partake in the great outdoors right now, I've had no nights of star-gazing on my back deck, no bonfires or hayrides, no autumn trips to apple orchards. With my usual outlets stripped away and not knowing how to vent the emotional distress that has accumulated, most of it has simply come out in uncontrollable sobs.

I have felt so inept and useless. I once had so many hopes---so many ways I wanted songs or writings to help  people, but I have been overwhelmed by getting out of bed to do laundry or write out a bill. I have not been able to spend much time with friends or even process my thoughts very clearly. I have wished I could hand over the responsibility of simple things like scheduling doctor's appointments or sorting mail to someone in a better condition to rationalize. My confidence feels beaten down. My emotions are extra-sensitive; nearly every comment feels like a personal attack. I feel frustrated by my own weakness and neediness. While people around me seem sure this is temporary, I can not see an end in sight.

I sometimes soothe myself with the reminder that every other human has, somehow, been in a similar place of despondency and that the Bible is full of people who felt ready to give up. Even people who heard the audible voice of God or felt the physical tough of Jesus still felt the gravity of human discouragement.
 
Yet Jesus still loves me. God is probably not judging my inadequacy and fragile emotions or exclaiming, "Your faith is so weak! Why do you keep crying? Why have you given up? Why aren't you keeping up with things better?" He probably wants to just hold me instead.

That is my piece of hope.