making our faith more public.
I just read an article about
the importance of a more open,
less guarded life.
For the past several months, I have ventured a little farther in those directions, stretching towards long-held dreams and forcing myself through barriers of fear. I sensed a pull so intense I could not ignore it.
Now I am supposed to tell
my victorious story about
all God is doing in my exciting life.
But now it doesn't feel so great.
Now I feel stranded out in the middle of unfamiliar territory. Uncomfortable.
I don't know my way around here, don't recognize the scenery.
My heart knows that retreating into my withdrawn, timid self is not the appropriate answer.
But pressing forward, despite awkward vulnerability,
feels---what's that word again?---uncomfortable.
"Uncomfortable" is not what I aim for.
Yet I wrestle with being "known."
I struggle with sharing my passions, my writing, my past, my weaknesses,
sometimes even my music.
Sometimes even my strengths.
I have wondered why God won't merely let me hang out in familiar territory.
Why not just pour dreams into me that can be fulfilled within my carefully-crafted shell?
Instead of...
On a stage?
Performing music?
Sharing personal, written words?
Relaying my own life lessons?
With people---instead of hiding from them?
Why does God build dreams around my toughest weaknesses,
then nag me until I can't ignore them?
Yes. I just said God "nags" me. He and I are friends;
he is okay with my admitting I feel "nagged."
And not that he is without good reason!
But indeed, he has been nagging me.
My former self pulls at me to retreat into comfort and safety.
My Shepherd pulls at me to trek with him even deeper into unfamiliarity---
ventures where I am not even sure of my own abilities yet,
and would be relying on sheer faith.
Sheer faith. Is that it? Is that what he wants?
Pulled backward,
pulled forward,
clutching tightly in the middle.
I am feeling the tension.
No comments:
Post a Comment