Not A Whole Person, Just A Puzzle

I have a pair of jeans
with this writing
inscribed on the inside:
"Carrying myself 
with an air of confidence, 
I am a woman 
who knows who she is."

I like to read those words
and remind myself of who I am---
particularly when I forget,
particularly when people around me
don't seem to know who I am.

I'm close to a month away
from my 35th birthday.

Did you know that
approximately age 35
is when perimenopause can begin?
Did you know that
if a woman gets pregnant at age 35,
it is diagnosed as "advanced maternal age"
and comes with its own set of additional precautions and careful testing?
Are you aware of the exact percentage of women
who have never been married by age 35?

And strangely enough, I currently don't feel panic-stricken by the fact that I am close to 35,
yet not close to having any of those things in my life.

What does bother me is, the older I get, the stigma of not having those things increases.

Years ago, when I was set up on a few blind dates
or bumped into a guy I hadn't seen since high school,
the common question was:
"How in the world have you stayed single for all these years?"

Trying not to be defensive or overly sensitive,
I told myself they meant it as a compliment, such as: 
"How can someone as great as you still be single?!"
Although I tried to answer lightly and briefly,
I quickly learned that there is simply
no acceptable explanation for this question.

"Oh, just living my life! I might get married someday, 
but I've enjoyed my time being single too."
"I haven't feel rushed. I hope to meet a compatible man, 
but have been happy with my life until I do!"

But thus far, no answer has met with approval.
I am often met with flat stares or inappropriate, blunt interrogations:

"What happened? Did some guy really hurt you, and you never got over it?"
"Are you just, like, too picky or something? Is nobody good enough for you?"
"Are you one of those independent women too into her career to want a man?"
"Are you, like, straight or not?"
"So when do you have sex?"
"Do you have self-esteem problems? Trust issues?"
"Maybe it's time you lowered your standards. You're gonna be old and alone."

Divorced people often seem pretty well accepted,
as they should be.
People who married at extremely young ages seem pretty well accepted,
as they should be.
People with children from previous relationships seem pretty well accepted,
as they should be.

But a woman who hasn't ventured down any of those paths yet,
especially past a certain age,
seems more of a puzzle, a peculiarity, a mystery or riddle to solve:
"What is WRONG with her?"

I have instances when I say to God, "Hey! I'm doing so well. 
Being single has changed me. I'm more understanding and compassionate. 
I'm stronger and more confident than I used to be. 
I've learned so much and transformed dramatically just by living solo for so long. 
Maybe it's time I start actively looking for a boyfriend soon. What do you think?"

And for reasons I can't understand, I seem to sense nonverbal words
answering back slowly, "Misty....wait. Just hang on."

And I don't understand.

While I am happy and content in this phase of my life,
while I could provide honest reasons why I am single,
I can't say that I completely understand why my life is where it is at this point
or why I feel some inner voice advising me to not join a dating site
or have my friends arrange a string of blind dates just yet.
I---myself---don't completely understand.

And the worst thing, for me,
about being single at almost 35 is this:
Being a puzzle to so many people,
a project,
a curiosity,
an intriguing mystery that people desire to solve,
yet no one can quite figure out.

And I hope,
that someday,
some man won't view me as a baffling project that needs to be fixed,
but as complete and whole and valuable,
more than acceptable,
no matter how long I've been single.