American Idol---In My Living Room.

That's what was going on at my place last night.

One of my nightly medicines has interesting side effects. I become very relaxed and unguarded, honest and unconcerned with anyone's opinion of me. As much as I hate needing to take it, I sometimes wonder if the 'me' who emerges afterwards is the true 'me,' the self that appears when nothing is holding me back.

I had taken my medicine last night, but my mind was still spinning around a song I had written. My roommate was catching up on some tasks in the kitchen. Her dog was cozily relaxing on the floor. I knew I needed to crawl into bed, but my keyboard looked like it was waiting for me. Just once, I thought to myself. I'll run through that song just once. 

I sat down and began playing. Softly. Gently. After all, it was time to unwind for the night, and I had a roommate in the house. I usually try to practice quietly when someone else is around because I don't want to be disruptive, and I enjoy getting lost in my own musical bubble.

But as I continued to become wrapped in the song, I began to feel the effects of the medicine, and my sleepy, delicate playing was no longer enough. I had written this song, dang it! I wanted to really practice it, not act tentatively afraid of my own song. So I turned up the volume on my keyboard. I swiveled the microphone, full-blast, in front of my face. I began to play and sing as unrestrained as anyone ever has. And I was still learning the song...so it wasn't even good. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't the only one in the house and vaguely remember my roommate peeking around the corner, but I didn't care. I was gettin' down. Like an American Idol audition---one of the bad preliminary ones.

And despite waking up this morning, groaning in embarrassment, and thinking, "Oh, my poor roommate's ears...", I know I was probably being my true self in that moment, completely free, not worried about all the reasons not to be me.

And a part of me wishes being that person all the time was as simple as taking a tiny pill.

Who would you be if you were always freely yourself?