Fifteen Years Later...

Saturday night I went to my 15-year class reunion. Fifteen years! I can't believe how much I have changed since then. If you had known me fifteen years ago, you wouldn't have imagined that I might even show up for a class reunion....

I was terribly shy and intensely hated school. Most of that shyness and lack of school spirit stemmed from the fact that I was a naturally good student who fell into the classic overachiever stereotype. Along with those traits came a lot of pressure and expectations that I was not yet mature enough to know how to extract myself from. So I simply withdrew. I withdrew from socializing, meeting new people, going to football games and dances, or even participating in extracurricular activities. For the frantic hopes of not disappointing anyone, I threw myself into excessive studying in desperate attempts to maintain a GPA that would keep everyone associated with my local high school happy....and keep disappointed eyes away from me.

Those are ingredients for a sad teenager.

Since then, for the most part, I have learned to trade those inept coping mechanisms for more effective ones. Although I sometimes must remind myself, I know that meeting everyone else's expectations of me is not my purpose in life. Sacrificing every part of who I am to placate others is not an authentic or satisfactory way to live. I continually strive to learn to trust myself and to not let my confidence fluctuate depending on others' assessments of me. Some days I am successful, and some days I am not. Nevertheless, I know to try. I know I do not want to return to those old patterns of living.

The girl who used to sit sadly and quietly at her desk worrying about the possibility of getting below an A average was able to go to her class reunion Saturday night---by herself, as a single person in a group of married people, wearing her hair naturally, in a red dress borrowed from her roommate. She was able to sit down and talk to people, learn about their jobs and their families---who'd had babies and who had adopted, who still lived here and who had moved, who was in the military and who had stayed with their chosen career path....She found herself fascinated by all the different stories of these people she had walked the graduation line with. She laughed at the old memories people shared, things she had forgotten. She listened to warm comments of, "You finally came out of your shell! I'm so glad you can talk to us and have fun with us now!" She thought about how different things might have been if, those many years ago, she had been where she is now emotionally. She discovered that these people she had withdrawn from were pleasant, enjoyable, and that, fifteen years after high school, a lot of things can change...

 

Things that seemed huge---like fitting in, who so-and-so is friends with, what someone whispered about someone else in the bathroom, which brand of clothes everyone wore---don't matter anymore, at least not to  people who have really matured into adulthood. Most people reach the realization that we are all on the same playing field---just trying to live life with its ups and downs, work and pay the bills, have positive relationships with the people in our lives, knowing that life isn't perfect for anyone. Most people lay aside young pettiness in exchange for a real life. Most people grow up. Most people evolve. Most people change...

Even people like me.