The Tears Of Change

Change.

My heart aches tonight, and I'm not sure why.
Probably because of that word: change.

I'm not opposed to change. I can often adapt easily and with flexibility. Sometimes I don't even feel the pangs of change until after it has happened---running purely on adrenaline in survival mode when I am in the midst of it. And I have many things in my life changing for the better. I am about to relocate my piano teaching studio---positive change. But the reasons behind it---hurtful, disappointed change.

Watching friends go through situations that I keep hoping and praying will improve for them, but don't seem to be---sorrowful change.

My boyfriend is possibly in the middle of a career transition, and I'm trying to assist him with some of the steps I've navigated before in that process---hope-filled, turning-point change. But seeing the pain on his face as he still deals with being in the middle of the process---heart-breaking change.

(Something about seeing sorrow written all over a man's face, vulnerability and hurt plainly visible across the face of any male, twists my heart into painful knots.)

Stopping by the rehabilitation center last week to visit my 70-some year old aunt who had spent countless months in a hospital nearing death, now wheeling herself around the room in a wheelchair, stating, "I've got about a year's worth of work ahead of me, but I'm gonna get better," declaring stoutly---optimistic change.

Walking down the hall to see my grandma with Alzheimer's curled up horizontally in the corner of her bed, asleep and almost unrecognizable---deep, saddening change.

Hearing of a cousin's marriage falling apart after a brief few years, a spouse suddenly declaring their exit---tearful, discouraging change.

Visiting my home-church with my boyfriend for a Valentine's Banquet, then slipping him into the sanctuary to get his opinion. "Do you like it?" I ask shyly. And he shyly smiles back, "It's beautiful." Hopeful change.

The combination of good and bad all mixed together in my personal life---
packing up and moving a studio again;
knowing some people consider me an 'enemy'--even a "poison to the church;"
the delightful yet sometimes unbelievable reality of having been in a relationship
over a year now and the possibilities of where it might lead;
losses I've experienced in my church family;
the disintegration of my happy, independent single life into this
unfamiliar territory of missing someone when he is not around;
the constant questions I ask in my evolving faith and don't always find answers to;
the disappointment I feel in much of the Christian population;
the stresses of juggling four jobs---all involving people:
students, the elderly, special-needs children, and college dance instructors;
the excitement and hopes of engagement and marriage;
the fears and anxieties of engagement and marriage;
the dreariness of a cold, dark winter surrounding me..

Change. Good and bad. And overwhelming.
More than my mind can keep up with processing.

I think it is the reason I feel so close to tears tonight.