The New Year's Hopes and My #OneWord365

In the past, I have considered January one of my least favorite months---the end of festive celebrations, return to routines that aren't always enjoyable, and, basically, just winter. Cold, dry, dark, empty winter.

I have often tried to fill that January void with the hopes of a new year---a clean slate, a fresh start to long-held dreams, the lure of goals I am working towards. I have often sat at lengthy times with my journal, pouring my heart out onto the pages, not only for what I long for, but for who I want to become, and what I want to let go of.

At the turn of this new year, my thoughts were overwhelming, too many to even organize onto a journal page---who I want to be, the baggage I want to drop, the people I yearn to help, the areas I want to make a difference, the dreams I strive for, goals I long to reach, the pleas with God that are so strong they burn in my heart and keep me awake some nights.

This year, my desires went too deep to organize into a neat, tidy list on paper.
I even struggled to find One Word (http://oneword365.com/) that seemed adequate for all the thoughts in my mind and the cries of my heart.

Last year, I saw on the internet an experiment that several of my friends participated in: each day they would write down a positive memory on a piece of paper and place it into a jar. When I went to baby-sit during this past year, the family had a jar on their kitchen counter labeled "Brooks' Family Memories 2013." I decided this might be a simpler, more doable approach to organize some of my thoughts for the year 2014, so I turned one of my glass vases into my 2014 Memories Jar: where every night I jot on a piece of paper a good, pleasant memory of the day. It might be huge, or it might seem so insignificant that it could be easily overlooked---but each night I write down one good thing that happened that day.

But I needed more than memories, so I created a second jar: my 2014 Prayers and Concerns Jar. When a prayer lingers deeply in my heart, or a sudden concern or constant fear consumes my mind, I write it on a piece of paper and drop it in the jar. As I've learned in the past, when I've gone back and reread journal entries from 5, 10, or more years ago, so many of my prayers have been answered. Yet our human nature easily overlooks those answered prayers and the situations that somehow worked out. Keeping track of our prayers can open our eyes to how much positive change is occurring in our lives when we can't even see it happening. And, for me, the simple act of writing down a concern and dropping it into a glass vase helps reinforce to my worried mind, "I have handed it to God. I can relax now. He is at work."

And---because I rarely do things halfway---I needed one more jar: my 2014 Steps Jar. This is for any step of progress I make, anytime I attempt something brand new or try something I'm afraid of, any moment I take the tiniest step beyond my comfort zone. Most of us easily focus on our failures and shortcomings while overlooking any progress or baby steps. This year, I am writing them down, to remind myself I am moving forward. The goal is to not only write down the steps that have positive outcomes---the moments I perform music just right or make the absolutely perfect work decision---but to write down any step or attempt. I too often tend to grade my outcomes, like a schoolgirl striving for straight A's, rather than celebrate my efforts.

As much as I love the fresh start of a new year, I'm discouraged that we so often focus on new beginnings only when the calendar turns that final page---not noticing the new chances God constantly showers upon us: new seasons and new months; untouched weeks and fresh mornings; hours, minutes, countless moments we can choose to take a different direction. As each month turns, I will be changing the color of the papers I drop into my vases---just to remind myself: I have unlimited opportunities to change.

Among all the goals, dreams, and yearnings I have for this new year, I finally settled on a word. I bypassed the words that could so easily describe pieces of what I long for---words like ambition, transform, bold, carefree, proactive, difference, serve.

I chose simply and landed instead on the word enjoy. Although I like to consider myself a basically positive person who enjoys the simple things in life, I also know I am very driven---I want to do my best, be my best, help people, learn new skills, develop every ounce of potential I have... While I am glad I possess those qualities, they can also be stumbling blocks---traits that lead to perfectionism or placing too much pressure on myself, becoming so focused on a life of performance that I overlook why I am taking those actions in the first place. And I've learned that among many fears I deal with, I struggle with the fear of being too happy. When blessings are poured into my lap, when I am enjoying time with loved ones, feeling the wind against my face on a bike ride, or dreaming hopeful dreams about my future---I am often struck with a sudden fear, the fear of the rug being pulled out from under me or a fear the other shoe will drop. I admit that I have even toned down my moments of happiness and joy, afraid that if I let my guard down and delight in my blessings, they will be fiercely snatched from my hands.

So as I strive for change and to become the person God created me to be, I know that He also wants me to simply enjoy. Enjoy the process of making music, whether it is flawless or not. Enjoy my work opportunities, even though it is impossible to obtain everyone's approval. Enjoy the scenery of fields on long drives, even when they are brown and barren in mid-winter. Enjoy the laughter of schoolkids on the playground just down the road. Enjoy people I love and do my best to make sure they know I love them in return. Enjoy my favorite foods and my favorite songs with the volume turned up. Enjoy Christmas songs in October and starry, summer nights on my back deck. Enjoy my endeavors even when they aren't perfect. Enjoy my life without the fear of a dark shadow creeping up behind me.

My hopes for this year are many,
but one that I must not overlook is to
simply enjoy my life
as I strive to do my best at living it.