Do YOU Have Big Jammers?

"Big Jammers."

That was the label printed on the box they came in.

Every afternoon when my co-workers and I closed the dentist office where I worked in my early twenties, we slid the "Big Jammers" under the doorknobs, hoping to prevent our office from being robbed, like some of the neighboring offices had been.

Well, if the Big Jammers could make such a difference for our office, I decided I wanted some for my home too. After all, I was a young single female living in a little old house, with no dog and no man. I needed to feel protected and out of harm's way! So one Saturday afternoon, my cousin Linsey and I set off on a shopping trip, one of our destinations being Lowe's, where I planned to make a purchase to help keep my home safe and secure.

We searched the store endlessly, up and down every aisle. We found tools, paint, kitchen cabinets, insect spray---but no Big Jammers. Unsuccessful. Finally, I spotted two store employees standing in the middle of an aisle talking with each other.

"Over there," I said to my cousin. "There are some workers. Do you think I should go ask them?" 

"Well, we've searched the whole store and aren't having any luck. What are they called again?"

"They're called 'Big Jammers,' and I know they have them here... I'll go ask." With not all of my high school shyness having completely worn off yet, I quietly approached the employees and tentatively asked:

"Umm. Excuse me. Do you all have Big Jammers?"

No response. Frozen stares for a few seconds before one of them, looking perplexed, finally replied "What?"

"You know, Big Jammers. I need some Big Jammers."

They glanced at each other, then back at me, and one of them asked slowly, "Uhhh...Now, what is it you're looking for?"

Then, as I often reacted when put on the spot, I got flustered. I began speaking fast, my words tripping over each other, and I started talking with my hands. "You know," I said, feeling the heat creep up my neck and face. (Doesn't it always go from bad to worse when you try to describe these things?) "You know, they're like these big long things---" I stretched out my hands, as they glanced some more at each other, "and you stick them, um... like this," I motioned with my hands, "under, under the doorknob, and they're supposed to....to not let people break in, and uh--"
    
"Door jambs!" One of them exclaimed quickly, in relief. "She means door jambs," and he hurriedly spouted off the aisle number and pointed me in the right direction.

"Th--thank you," I stammered and hurried off, to where my cousin was waiting at the end of the aisle, hand over her face, murmering in her multi-syllable drawl, "Oh lord..."

But we headed towards that aisle and found the door jambs right where we were told they would be, in their long box marked clearly and boldly with the words:

"BIG JAMMERS"

----just as I had said.

I'm sure I was the most talked about customer in the break room that day.

But ten years later, I still have my Big Jammers. They are placed beneath my door knobs right now, safely protecting and guarding my little home.
 
But word of advice: if you go to Lowe's, don't specifically ask for "Big Jammers," despite it being printed in huge conspicuous letters on the front of the box. Just tell the workers you need some door jambs to place beneath the doorknobs. They'll understand.

It is just less confusing. Much less.