But This Time, I Ignored Fear

The past several weeks I have been

pulled,
stretched,
dragged,
and completely yanked
right out of my comfort zone.

In a brief amount of time, I've had to face an overwhelming amount of "new" and "uncomfortable." I've had to push myself to do those things I'd always convinced myself I couldn't do. Surprising my own self, I haven't yet had an emotional explosion, no tearful breakdown, no trembling moments of panic.

For probably the first time in my life, I've had to ignore fear.

I have heard his whispers:

"You haven't done any of these things before. They're new. You won't get everything just perfect. And you're not even good at that! You sure you want to try this? It could be awkward. What are you doing anyway? Who do you think you are? You could ruin everything!"

And I've had to block my ears to his opposing hisses. To carry myself to the next step, I've had to set my eyes straight ahead and focus my mind only on what had to be done, not the reasons I couldn't do them. I felt the fear but, for once, did not let it consume me.

And as I go, I bumble and slip. I make mental notes of what worked and what didn't. I realize I am totally smack dab in the middle of several learning processes at once, finding my way as I go, and planning what to do differently next time.

Next time. 

That is what surprises me. While feeling uncomfortable, clumsy, and sometimes completely unqualified, I am still looking ahead. Instead of thinking, "Take me back to where I used to be," I am thinking, "How can I make next time better?" Feeling excited for next time. Feeling like I will be a little more confident next time.

Feeling like I am just beginning.

This Girl is changing.

To do the things that must be done, I've had to dredge up a confidence I didn't know was inside me, put myself out there although I know my efforts are imperfect, be too determined and resolute to let myself have a breakdown just yet. It will come---I know it will---when I get the opportunity to take a breath and look back at all I have faced head-on.

But not yet. It isn't time to fall apart just yet. I'm still looking forward to next time. 

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