I'm writing you this letter because I recognize what I see in you. You're a lot like me, especially how I used to be. The girl who gets along with everybody. The nice girl. The girl who was disappointed when almost everyone wrote the same thing in her school yearbooks: "To the sweetest girl I've ever known."
And it worries me a little.
I see your gentleness, a keen perceptiveness to other's feelings, the desire to support all who come into contact with you. Most people will recognize it. I wish I could say they will all appreciate your tenderness and shield you with extra protectiveness. I don't want to sound hard or cynical and say that all you sweet, unassuming girls better watch out.
But, in the least negative way I know how, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you.
You don't have to be fearful, just aware. Learn to develop your intuition, see where it is strong, or what it sometimes fails to see. Take your time warming up to new people, knowing that those who turn out to be your most trustworthy friends won't demand trust on a particular timetable. Know that you don't have to express love to everyone in the same way. With some, it might equal intimate secrets and inside jokes. With others, love will simply mean polite greetings and "how's your mom?" You are a finite being and have limits on how much you can be to anyone.
Some will perceive your kindness as weakness. Be aware of the subtle ways people try to manipulate or take advantage. Know that it's okay for you to say 'no' at any time to anyone, and that doesn't make you a hate-filled, thoughtless person. It is more than alright to extract yourself from situations that are destructive to you.
You don't have to be sweet and polite every single second.
Some people out there are counting on your passivity to obtain whatever they want from you. If you do speak up, anticipate them to place blame on you. But keep taking care of yourself. Altering your most authentic actions to avoid their responses will slowly drain the life out of you.
Be careful whom you date. You have probably already heard that. Compassionate hearts hold an enormous capacity for love and pain, and some people treat such hearts like a squeeze toy. Whatever you believe you deserve, inflate it. Because I know how you think. When your heart has been gored one time too many, you'll forget that you're irreplaceable.
People will place a lot of expectations on you. Some will treat you recklessly, expecting you---like a machine---to always return to them as the nice, pleasant, smiling girl who remains unaffected by whatever they toss at you. Some will overlook your wisdom or skill or maturity because, honestly, people often discount those with acquiescent temperaments. You will sometimes think you get the "short end of the stick" because the longer end seems to go to those who create chaos if they don't get their way.
You will make a lot of mistakes, because a genuine spirit does not equal perfection. And the hardest part of that will be learning not to beat yourself up over every lapse in judgement, to not torment yourself about everything you wish you had done differently. But you forgive others. You will have to learn to forgive yourself too.
You will hear plenty of messages about giving kindness and compassion to others, yet very few about extending kindness and compassion towards yourself, although sometimes you may be the one who desperately needs it. Go ahead and offer it. If you wait for someone to give you permission to be more thoughtful towards yourself, you probably won't receive it.
I told you I would try not to sound hard and cynical, but I probably do. And you know why? Because even girls who begin this journey sweet and innocent and accommodating can also grow weary and a little colder. That might not happen to you. But if it does, don't be too hard on yourself. The childlike, faith-filled girl is still inside of you. She is just growing more sturdy and mature. And that can be a positive change, one that brings more freedom and transforms you into who you truly are, instead of the puppet some will want you to be.
I'm not going to be one more person who exhorts you to be sweet and compliant, patient and sensitive towards others, because I know that's who you naturally are, sometimes to a damaging degree. Instead, I encourage you to be bold, alert, intuitive, and confident. Focus on yourself a little more. Only take on what you can handle. Brush off others' dissatisfaction with you. Make eye contact. Let yourself cry. Don't give those limp, puny handshakes.
You are already kind. Now be tough.
Just believe me.
I know.
1 comment:
I love this!
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