Allowed To Break

The last few months of being really physically ill seemed to overwhelm every part of me. My emotions...
confidence...
everything
seemed to take a nosedive.

I felt extremely discouraged when multiple medicines
failed to fix the ailments, frustrated when I went backwards after every slight improvement, overwhelmed as I tried to keep up with work and bills,
doubtful of all my different doctor appointments.

During the weeks I lay in bed as the pain intensified, I became really confused. I wasn't sure what was happening. I felt hopeless and defeated, sometimes even panic-stricken. I couldn't imagine things ever getting better. I worried. I couldn't control my tears, even in front of other people.

Amid all this distress, I began to feel another frustration: I was angry at myself.

I had tried to be strong. I wanted to brave and positive. I hated for my emotions to be so low that they spilled over onto everyone around me; I chided myself for not being tougher when, of course, things could always be worse; I regretted being unable to hide my tears and discouragement, self-conscious that people were seeing such a broken, vulnerable Misty.

I felt like I was falling apart and was ashamed of myself for not being able to hold it together.

Ironically, I don't feel that judgment towards other people when they are breaking. I don't mentally stick labels on them when they feel that life has become more than they can bear. I tried to remind myself of this as I lay in bed crying. One by one, I named off each of my friends and thought about their own times when they wanted to give in. I thought of my students who walk into my room sharing their burdens with me. Why do I think I'm not allowed those same moments? Why do I feel the need to be superhuman and never feel pain, even when life seems to bury me in it? Do I really think my friends are judging me for not being perfectly happy and hopeful all the time? Isn't that just part of life on earth? Didn't God design humans to feel things emotionally, not only the good things, but also the hurtful ones? Didn't Jesus also experience grief and anger and tears?

Trying not to emotionally feel hurtful things has often caused me to relive pain years after I thought I'd forgotten it. And, somewhere along the way, I got the idea that people would only like me when I was "okay." Anything less than a perfect disposition would surely make me a bother and drive people away from me.

But hurting does not mean that people are inferior or unacceptable. Earthly mortals are not supposed to hold everything together all the time. Being fake is not one of the things God has called his children to do. Sometimes, smiling and "looking on the bright side" are not as beneficial as allowing yourself moments to sob, explode to God, or cry to your best friend "I don't think it's ever going to get better!" 

Then remind yourself that all those things are okay.